The Struggle to Communicate, and Having the Will to Try Anyway

I've struggled lately to write and share anything on this blog. I haven't had a lot of time but mostly I think its because of what I have published on this blog for others to read and then later regretted sharing and subsequently removed. The good it did in sharing any of it still remains to be unseen. Truthfully, its hard to adequately judge what is of value to me alone and what has the potential of being beneficial to others, but my desire to find a way to express my thoughts and feelings to others continues to drive me to try anyway.

For as long as I can remember I've felt a great need to communicate and connect with others…to truly understand them and have them understand me, but doing so has been far from easy. From my earliest memories I can recall being painfully shy. But usually the issue I found I have in communicating is my inability to understand what others are saying.

I hear them speak and my brain registers that they have said something and instantly I know what it is, but somewhere between that initial sense of understanding and my own creation of a reply I lose the meaning of their words and become unable to come up with an adequate response. In order to try to continue the communication, I have had to ask others to repeat themselves frequently in hopes that what ever is short-circuiting in my head will resolve itself and I'll once again understand their words, but having them repeat the words rarely helps. The more I struggle to focus and grasp the meaning of their words the more the words' meanings seem to slip through the cracks in my mind. My thoughts scatter and I struggle to say anything in response. These interactions always leave me feeling greatly embarrassed and deeply ashamed of my inadequacy, and have created a great sense of anxiety whenever I'm in social situations because I never know when these moments of misunderstanding will occur and if I'll be able to overcome them.

The spoken word is not the only thing I have had difficulty understanding. It was very hard for me to learn how to read. Many teachers worked with me in and out of school (along with my parents) to teach me how to sound out words and understand what they mean. Ultimately I was never able to learn to read by sounding things out but instead had to rely on repetition of seeing the word as a whole and connecting it with the sound of the word as spoken by others. I would ask my mother, usually when she was distracted, to read my word list and I'd practice repeating the words until I could recall and say them when I saw them. I imagine I am not the only person who has had to learn to read this way, but have wondered if my issue with understanding words is something others have experienced as well.

Despite my struggle with communicating and understanding language, and maybe because of it, I've always had a great interest in language learning. Since my youth, I have tried many times to study and learn other languages. I've spent many, many hours pouring over language materials I'd bought or borrowed from the library. I bought language books on French, Italian, Spanish, Latin, German, Swahili, and Mandarin. I've checked out language learning materials from the library on learning Hebrew, Arabic, Turkish, Farsi, and ancient Greek. In school I took classes in Spanish, Latin, and Russian. But my efforts in learning these languages have yielded very little. The only language that I have been able to learn well enough to speak and read (at the most basic level) is Russian. That ability has since faded over the years so I can no longer read Russian. I can still recall some of the phrases and what they mean but I doubt I'd be able to carry on much of a conversation now without a thorough review first.

Why do I mention this? I think its because that desire to learn how to communicate hasn't gone away and I still desperately want to learn how it all works. Despite the many failures I've had to really learn another language I continue to try to learn how to better understand other people...how to connect with them. 

Recently I've had the desire to understand those around me who speak Spanish, so I've decided to try again to learn their language. It's a language I've studied many times so I'm not starting from scratch, which is good. But because of how familiar it is some times I find myself thinking I know the meaning of a word or phrase when really I don't...it's just one I've heard before. 

I want to be successful so I'm approaching the language learning a little differently than I have in the past, so hopefully given enough time I'll actually learn it. I'm using a variety of language learning apps to practice vocabulary and listening comprehension. I'm watching videos on Youtube, such as Hola Spanish, where the instruction is given in Spanish about Spanish grammar. I've really loved that because as I listened I've actually begun to understand what she was saying even though I only knew about a quarter of the words she was using. I highly recommend the channel to fellow Spanish learners. I've tried to incorporate the recommendations she has made--such as listening to music in Spanish, watching tv shows and movies in Spanish with Spanish subtitles, listening to audiobooks in Spanish, reading the scriptures in Spanish, and finding ways to talk to others in Spanish each day. This is the best I can do to immerse myself in the language in my current situation. And little by little I can see improvement from my efforts so far. But only time will tell if I'll be able to overcome my understanding issue enough to succeed in communicating with others in this language. I'm hoping that my desire to communicate with them will help me break through that barrier. 

If any of you reading this have suggestions that may help me please leave a comment. I'd love your input especially if you've struggled with understanding others as I have. 

Words from the past

Today, while looking through some stuff I’d had stored away. I came across some of my old journals. I decided to pick up a couple and flip through them.

Wow, in some ways I haven’t changed at all. I still get overwhelmed and struggle with my relationships with friends and family, but hopefully I’m not so dramatic. One thing I came across that did impress me was something I wrote at the end of my senior year of high school...to my future self. This is what I wrote:

I know that someday—later when I am sitting all alone I may read this and feel good. How special it has all been to me, and how wonderful my memories are. Remember always the many people that have touched your life for good, remember the memories you have shared with them, and most of all remember how blessed you’ve been in knowing this...

You are what you make of yourself.

Live each day worthy of touching others’ lives for good.

Make a difference, and your life will take on good meaning.

Be and do your best always so that you may be happy.

And never be satisfied, always strive for more.

PS remember your friends...have you stayed in touch? If not, then get in touch—bless their lives. Do all you can for them. Find what they need and help.

I am glad I found this. I definitely needed the boost of motivation. Also, I haven’t really stayed in touch with a lot of those friends and now I wish I had.

Burden

A great burden has weighed upon me for quite some time. Its weight is not physical and yet it makes me tremble and fall to my knees. There are moments when I feel if I cannot receive a reprieve it will crush me and I'll die. Those moments are not fleeting, but seem to stretch on endlessly. And in them, when I feel myself weakening under this tremendous burden, I am reminded that its unnecessary for me to carry it alone. My Savior and yours, with His arms outstretched offers to take it and help me. He offers me an eternal reprieve. But do I let Him have it? Do I give up this burden that is crushing me to death? 

No!

The fool that I am, I find myself telling Him, "No, I can't...I cannot give it to you because it is mine to bear. It's made up of all the things I've wanted and chosen—no matter what they were—they are the choices I've made and I must carry them along with their consequences for as long as I can."

Why?

There has to be a reason. After thinking about it I've realized I don't want to give Him the burden because in it are the choices I've made that I knew were wrong before I made them and yet I made them anyway because I wanted to. How can I accept giving Him the consequences of such choices? Even if they are the heaviest to bear. 

But I must. He is the only way. I won’t survive much longer on my own. When I start to listen the Spirit whispers this truth to my mind: He knows. He knows why I keep refusing to give Him my burden. But I need to understand something, refusing to give it to Him didn’t stop Him from carrying it. I cannot somehow ease His pain by holding onto it. He already bore it, long before I was even born. So let it go...

Now I need to figure out how to actually do that.

Choices

I'm struggling to live with the choices I've made in my life. Not the big ones. But all the little ones that have come together and have made up the majority of my life's path. When I was making those choices I remember thinking they were unimportant because they were small, but now I'm starting to understand that they were actually a lot more important in the grand scheme of things. Little by little they have shifted the course of my life and have left me far from where I wanted to be.

I wish I could go back in time with the knowledge I have now and make different choices. Wiser choices that would help me to have the life I want. But there is no going back. No matter how much I may want it or beg for it. I cannot change the past. Life only goes in one direction and that's forward.

But if it were possible to go back in time and tell my younger self some things what would I say? What counsel would I give?

One thing I'd definitely want my younger self to know and understand is that there is a lot of truth to the phrase---the best comes to those who wait---meaning, the things that are worth the most often require patience and sacrifice; they don't come easily. I’d tell myself: Avoid going into debt; don't sacrifice what you want most for something you temporarily want now because in the end you'll find that the price you pay for that sudden desire will be far more than what it's actually worth! Remember the counsel you heard from your great-grandfather and never buy something you can not afford because it will cost you more than money. It will cost you time. It will cost you opportunities. It will cost you peace of mind.  It will cost you future choices. It will cost you happiness. It will cost you freedom. Do the smart thing: work for what you want for as long as its still worth it to get it. You'll see that with time the lesser things will fall away and lose their value and only the best will remain.

Another thing I'd want my younger self to know is it's okay to want something different from what everyone else says you should want. It's okay to follow your heart and live your dreams and not someone else's. They aren't living your life. The choices you make are yours, not theirs. You are the one who will have to live with the consequences, not them. They may try to talk you out of it and persuade you to do things or see things their way but you know your own heart. Don't be afraid to choose something or not choose something because of what others may think or say. You have the ability to think and reason and choose good from bad all by yourself, so do so. And if you feel unsure and want some reassurance that the choices you are making will make you happy then instead of turning to those around you, who are just as lost and confused as you are, turn to the one person who isn't lost and confused and who can actually help you—God, your Heavenly Father. He is the one you can trust without reservation to give you counsel that will always be in your best interest.

Now, I may not be able to tell my younger self all of this...instead I must be willing to listen and hear it now. Life isn’t over yet, so there are still more choices to make going forward. Can I take my own advice and do things differently? In a year or five years from now will I be able to look back and say I chose more wisely? I hope so. I really do.

The reason I’ve decided to share this internal dialogue with you is because perhaps you may be living with some regrets too. Might I recommend you going through the same conversation...ask yourself what you would say to your younger self now that you’ve learned some important things. Write it down and make it as clear as you can. Then read it back to you. Can you apply this advice to your life now? If yes, then do so. Help yourself live with less regret moving forward.

Part II: To other members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints who struggle with same-sex attraction, this is the message I wish to share with you

Some time ago I wrote to you about some of the things I've learned that have helped me to see this struggle we have with a more eternal perspective and how it can help you and me come closer to God, our Heavenly Father. I still believe all I shared in that post to be true and hope that it has been useful to you in facing this challenge we share.

However, recently after rereading what I'd written, I’ve begun to worry that because of my lack of eloquence in writing some of you may have misunderstood my words when I spoke of there being two paths to gaining knowledge—one being through repentance and the other through obedience and that in order to take the path of obedience, which is preferred, you would be doing so without repentance because that simply isn’t true and isn't what I meant.

If this is something you may have thought I meant then I hope I can explain things better so you’ll understand my meaning regarding these two paths I spoke of.

Let me begin by saying that most of what I'd read and heard from other members of the church, who deal with same-sex attraction, mentioned leaving the church at some point, even if temporarily, to experiment with the feelings they were having and to see if they would be more happy living a "gay" lifestyle. All of them, as I said in my other post, eventually saw that they weren't happier living that way and chose to return to full-fellowship in the church, but in order to return they had to go through the painful process of repenting of the immoral things they had done while away, so they could have the Spirit to be with them again. This was not easy for them, but they did it because they knew it was necessary.

When I heard about their experiences I could relate to some of what they shared and it touched me. But, it also bothered me that none of the accounts I'd heard mentioned choosing to stay in the church and keeping the covenants they'd made at baptism as their first choice. I found myself wondering, is it possible to handle this challenge and reconcile these feelings I have about other women with what I believe without having to first abandon my faith? I thought, surely, there must be...perhaps I need to share how I've chosen to stay faithful to what I know to be true—first, and have relied on the Lord to help me sort out the rest—because I don't think I am alone in choosing this. I believe there are others out there who have chosen the same thing but haven't said.

I want others like you to know that it is possible to know something is wrong without going and doing it first. You can gain the same knowledge by choosing what you can already discern to be good and then see that it is good through experiencing it and know that because it is the opposite of the other that the other must not be "good" (because everything has its opposite). This is what I mean by choosing the path of obedience—that is, choosing the discernible good (i.e. faith and virtue).

Now, by choosing this path of obedience that doesn't mean that you won't also be needing repentance along the way because you will—simply because you are going to make mistakes. To me there is a big difference in knowingly choosing to sin (going and living an immoral lifestyle, for example) than striving with all your heart to live a chaste and virtuous life but sinning because of a bad decision here and there. As members of the Lord’s church we’ve been taught what is good, so by doing the first (knowingly choosing to sin) shows willful disobedience while the other shows a willingness to always try to be better. Both may lead to repentance but which do you think the Lord is more pleased with?

I've asked myself this question and have decided that I want to keep trying despite my faults. I don't want to use them as an excuse to be disobedient to what the Lord has asked me to do. In other areas of my life I have experienced that first way—that is, I've been willfully disobedient at times and have had to repent and it was a lot harder and more painful than when I've tried to be obedient in the first place and later needed to repent when I’ve fallen short. I feel like the Lord has been more quick to forgive me when I've chosen the latter way.

I hope that you will ask yourself this question too when deciding how you want to face this challenge of same-sex attraction and with other areas of your life. And remember, no matter where you currently are on the path of obedience and repentance please know that the Lord is gracious and is always willing to forgive when you turn to Him with a sincere heart and desire to do and be better. It's never too late to take the path of obedience.

Remember Christ said, “Yea, verily I say unto you...Behold, mine arm of mercy is extended towards you, and whosoever will come, him will I receive; and blessed are those who come unto me...And ye shall offer for a sacrifice unto me a broken heart and a contrite spirit. And whoso cometh with a broken heart and a contrite spirit, him I will baptize with fire and with the Holy Ghost...Behold, I have come unto the world to bring redemption unto the world, to save the world from sin. Therefore, whosoever repenteth and cometh unto me as a little child, him I will receive, for of such is the kingdom of God. Behold, for such have I laid down my life, and have taken it up again; therefore repent, and come unto me ye ends of the earth, and be saved (see 3 Nephi 9:14, 20-22).” “Behold, he who has repented of his sins, the same is forgiven, and I, the Lord, remember them no more (See Doctrine & Covenants 58:42

To other members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints who deal with same-sex attraction, this is the message I wish to share with you

I especially wish to speak to the youth or any of you who are just now realizing that you deal with same-sex attraction. If you're in the process of trying to reconcile it with what you've been taught, or if you're trying to figure out what this attraction means for your life and how it plays into God's eternal plan for you, then this is the message I wish to share with you:

A short time ago I opened up for the first time and shared with others my struggle with same-sex attraction. It's something I've dealt with all my life (I'm now in my thirties), but only recently have I felt like it is something I should talk to others about. In the last few years I've been impressed by other members of the Church who deal with this same challenge who have had the courage to share their stories and their testimonies. In reading their stories, I've been touched by their honesty in telling how they have learned through their experiences that choosing any thing other than following God's plan didn't bring them lasting happiness. Hearing their testimonies has given me the courage to open up and share my own feelings and experiences with you.

I have felt that just as it was important for them to share their journey along the path of repentance (to discover the truth about what will ultimately bring real happiness), you need to know there is another way to gain that knowledge, without having to experience all the heartache and sorrow that comes from repenting—you can gain that knowledge by choosing the path of obedience—by choosing to stay in the Church and being chaste and keeping your covenants. This is the path I've personally chosen to follow in regards to this attraction. 

My experience growing up with this attraction may be a little different from yours, especially if you are currently a teenager, but I hope that something I say may resonate with you and help you in facing this challenge.

Growing up, I knew I had this attraction, but the attitudes towards same-sex attraction/homosexuality were so negative that I couldn't or simply wouldn't allow myself to believe that what I was feeling or dealing with was in fact same-sex attraction. I tried to convince myself that what I was feeling was different. And despite my best efforts to separate myself from the negative attitudes and beliefs that surrounded me,  eventually I came to believe what others said and viewed homosexuality in the same way. This lead me to dealing with my feelings and emotions, which came from having this attraction, in an unhealthy way.

At first, I simply denied the feelings or thoughts were even there. Then when that didn't work, I tried to separate them from myself internally (in my mind) and pretend as though they were mere observations instead of my actual feelings and thoughts. That seemed to work for a while, but over time, the denial and lies I told myself lead me to hating myself a lot. I came to hate myself so much that I started believing I was unlovable and that no one could ever truly love me because of this secret and if they only knew then they would see me as a vile and perverse person unworthy of their love. Because I felt this way about myself, I started self-sabotaging all of my relationships and pushing the people I loved away. Sadly, it took me a really long time to realize what I was doing was wrong. And it's only been in the last five or so years that my perspective has begun to change and I've stopped feeling that way about myself. How and why my perspective changed is what I wish to share with you.

My first step in finding peace with having this attraction and that has helped change my perspective was acknowledging that this attraction actually existed and that it was something I could face head on. It wasn't until I stopped running from facing the truth about myself & what I experience that I was able to see the truth about what same-sex attraction really is, and really—what it has to do with me as a person. 

All of us in the Church have learned the plan of salvation, so we know that its contrary to that plan to have homosexual relationships. I've always believed in God's plan of happiness. After I stopped living in denial I started to wonder why God would allow any of us to have these feelings, which can make it impossible for some of us to have a traditional heterosexual relationship and get married, if He intends for all of His children to follow His plan and receive exaltation. It's been hard at times for me to accept having this attraction while also accepting that God's plan of happiness still applies to me…that He meant it for me just as much as He did for everyone else. The only way I've managed to accept both as being true was by following Elder Uchtdorf's counsel in choosing to doubt my doubts before doubting my faith. It's been through the process of exercising my faith that I've gained a testimony that our Heavenly Father's plan really does still apply to you and me!

I've seen others who have accepted homosexuality as apart of who they are and they believe that's never going to change. Many of them have chosen to walk away from God and His church because they can't reconcile their sexuality with what they know and believe about God's plan. However, unlike those I've just mentioned, I do not believe that same-sex attraction/homosexuality is apart of who we are. And the reason I choose not to believe that is because of one simple but profound truth—I've learned who I am as a child of God.

Learning who I am, and how God sees me, I'd say, is the second thing—but perhaps the most important thing—that has helped change my perspective about this attraction. I never realized just how much damage I'd done to myself emotionally, psychologically, and even spiritually because I was looking to all the wrong sources (other people) to know who I am (which lead to all that self-sabotaging and self-hatred) until the Spirit showed me who I actually am. He showed me how much God loves me and what good I can do if only I'll trust Him and believe in myself. I know that He can do the same for you. There is so much power that comes from learning who you truly are! You'll be amazed at how much your perspective on dealing with this attraction will change once you know that about yourself!

I believe that once you learn who you actually are you'll also see that this struggle is temporary—it's a mortal challenge that is meant to bring you closer to God. It doesn't define you, it's meant to help you grow. 

I can't say exactly why this is the challenge that God has given us to face or why it couldn't be something else, but I will say that, at least for me, I believe I've learned what I'm supposed to get out of dealing with it and what it's meant to be in my life. I believe that it is my "Abrahamic test" that some of the prophets have said all of us will need to experience in order to receive exaltation. I can see that just like Abraham, God is testing my faith to see what I've willing to sacrifice in order to receive all the blessings He has promised. And just like Abraham, I've had to decide what is more important to me. Temporary happiness and pleasure living a gay lifestyle that will eventually end and lead me to spending eternity alone? Or living a chaste and virtuous life that may at times be very lonely but will ultimately lead to the fulfilling promises of eternal life and exaltation? With that perspective in mind, I've chosen the latter. And I keep choosing it each and every day because let's be honest—life isn't easy. I have good and bad days. Sometimes it's easy to be positive and to exercise faith, while at other times, it takes all I have inside to just make it to the next day! That's why it's a continual choice that I must make. 

I've come to see that no matter what we are asked to endure—that in the end, it will all be worth it, if we choose to be faithful. From the Spirit, each and every one of us can gain the knowledge that any and all sacrifices we make will be worth the cost of receiving the blessings of exaltation! Exaltation really is what we came here to earth to ultimately gain. I just hope that as we go through our struggles we don't lose sight of that!

The last thing I wish to share with you that has helped change my perspective is how I've actually come to see and use this struggle of same-sex attraction to hopefully bless those around me.

I don't know how you see this attraction, but I've viewed it as a weakness. And because I see it that way, I've followed the admonition of the Lord found in the scriptures (see Ether 12:27) and have turned to Him to help me make it into a strength. I've spoken more about this in some of my other posts on this blog, so I won't go into any great detail here, but I will say that what I've learned is that we can use these feelings of love to bless the lives of those we find ourselves drawn to. We can love and serve them more than otherwise would be possible.

The Lord has shown me through His Spirit that He has blessed each of us with special spiritual gifts that can help us, with this weakness and any other we may face while here on earth, to do a lot of good and to be a blessing in other people's lives. You may find that those you are drawn to—you can see them more clearly—that you are able to see who they really are because you're paying more attention to them, but also because of the special spiritual gifts God has blessed you with. With this insight you may be able to better help them reach their potential. You may even come to love them and believe in them so much that you'll become a great influence for good in their lives. If you let Him, God can help you use this attraction for good. And if you do, I know that your perspective will change and you'll come to see this attraction for what it really is—a blessing as well as a challenge to help you come closer to God and to become more like Him.

I know that God loves you very much and He wants you to trust Him. Trust that He knows what will ultimately make you happy. Trust that He can help you with this struggle as well as any others you may face. Christ has promised to be by your side and to lead you along, if you'll only let Him. He knows how you feel. He knows how to help you. Please let Him.

To all the women that I know and love

For all of you who wish to know...

I have realized that by revealing that I deal with same-sex attraction some of the women I know may begin to wonder if this attraction has played a part in our friendship or in my other friendships. I've thought…what if you start to wonder if I am attracted to you and that makes you feel uncomfortable?  If you are one of my friends reading this and the thought has crossed your mind, and the prospect of me being attracted to you has started to make you feel uncomfortable, then I hope to put your mind at ease by explaining how this attraction has affected how I see the women I'm attracted to; and how I may feel about you and other women.

Even if you haven't thought about this, but are only curious to know, then read on.

I can’t speak for anyone else who deals with same-sex attraction, but this has been my experience...

For most of my life I couldn’t or wouldn’t accept that what I often feel is in fact an attraction to other girls. It's only been in the last few years that I've come to acknowledge it and accept it as being apart of my life’s experience, so it isn't something that I have always necessarily been consciously aware of.

To the women I'm friends with that I have felt attracted to—

When I've felt that attraction, all I really understood and knew for certain was that I felt strongly drawn to you, but I didn't always understand why.

I think that most people would agree that with any growing attraction, it has the potential to eventually become physical. But it doesn't always start out that way, and sometimes, that is never what it becomes; then again, sometimes that is exactly what it is to begin with—a physical attraction. I'll admit that I have on occasion felt a strong physical attraction to a few of you.

However, more often than not the attraction I have felt—that has drawn me to you—has been an emotional & spiritual one. What ever it may be, it usually doesn't take me long to see that the strength of the attraction or pull I feel to be near and associate with you is in fact unusual.

In my desperation to understand why I feel the way I do, I have often turned to the one person who I believe can always help me—the Lord. I have asked Him...why am I so drawn to this person? What is it about her that makes me care so much, that I'd even be willing to die for her? (That’s how strongly I’ve come to feel)

I have faith that the Lord will always provide a way for us to turn any struggle/weakness into something good—to make that weakness into a strength, if we rely on Him and seek to apply the gifts He has given us.

In my case, after turning to the Lord to help me understand this attraction (which I see as a weakness), it's then that He has shown me through the gifts of the Spirit the real you and I've come to realize why I love you and care about you so much, and how I can use that love for good.

He has opened my eyes and shown me, as I've looked closely, the strength of your character and how much you strive to better yourself by becoming more like our Savior. I've discerned the good intentions of your heart as well as the insecurities and imperfections you try so hard to hide but want so desperately to overcome. I have come to see and understand how your example influences those around you and have felt great gratitude for your kindness and the love you've shown me and others.

I see the beauty of your soul and because of that—I can sense your potential. Being able to see the real you has actually been a merciful gift from Our Heavenly Father because it’s helped me to overcome the temptations—impure thoughts or desires—that sometimes come because of this same-sex attraction.

Really, no matter what kind of attraction I may feel—a physical attraction, an emotional one, a spiritual one, or none at all other than a sisterly love—in the end my desire is the same…I want each of you to trust God and believe in yourself. And more than anything, I want to see you receive all the blessings God has in store for you. I hope that as you've reflected on our friendship you have noticed how much I genuinely care for your wellbeing and how much I believe in you. And if you have noticed I would ask, isn’t this caring a good thing?

I hope that I've explained myself well enough to put your minds at ease and to remove any discomfort you may have felt because of what I've shared.