Some time ago I wrote to you about some of the things I've learned that have helped me to see this struggle we have with a more eternal perspective and how it can help you and me come closer to God, our Heavenly Father. I still believe all I shared in that post to be true and hope that it has been useful to you in facing this challenge we share.
However, recently after rereading what I'd written, I’ve begun to worry that because of my lack of eloquence in writing some of you may have misunderstood my words when I spoke of there being two paths to gaining knowledge—one being through repentance and the other through obedience and that in order to take the path of obedience, which is preferred, you would be doing so without repentance because that simply isn’t true and isn't what I meant.
If this is something you may have thought I meant then I hope I can explain things better so you’ll understand my meaning regarding these two paths I spoke of.
Let me begin by saying that most of what I'd read and heard from other members of the church, who deal with same-sex attraction, mentioned leaving the church at some point, even if temporarily, to experiment with the feelings they were having and to see if they would be more happy living a "gay" lifestyle. All of them, as I said in my other post, eventually saw that they weren't happier living that way and chose to return to full-fellowship in the church, but in order to return they had to go through the painful process of repenting of the immoral things they had done while away, so they could have the Spirit to be with them again. This was not easy for them, but they did it because they knew it was necessary.
When I heard about their experiences I could relate to some of what they shared and it touched me. But, it also bothered me that none of the accounts I'd heard mentioned choosing to stay in the church and keeping the covenants they'd made at baptism as their first choice. I found myself wondering, is it possible to handle this challenge and reconcile these feelings I have about other women with what I believe without having to first abandon my faith? I thought, surely, there must be...perhaps I need to share how I've chosen to stay faithful to what I know to be true—first, and have relied on the Lord to help me sort out the rest—because I don't think I am alone in choosing this. I believe there are others out there who have chosen the same thing but haven't said.
I want others like you to know that it is possible to know something is wrong without going and doing it first. You can gain the same knowledge by choosing what you can already discern to be good and then see that it is good through experiencing it and know that because it is the opposite of the other that the other must not be "good" (because everything has its opposite). This is what I mean by choosing the path of obedience—that is, choosing the discernible good (i.e. faith and virtue).
Now, by choosing this path of obedience that doesn't mean that you won't also be needing repentance along the way because you will—simply because you are going to make mistakes. To me there is a big difference in knowingly choosing to sin (going and living an immoral lifestyle, for example) than striving with all your heart to live a chaste and virtuous life but sinning because of a bad decision here and there. As members of the Lord’s church we’ve been taught what is good, so by doing the first (knowingly choosing to sin) shows willful disobedience while the other shows a willingness to always try to be better. Both may lead to repentance but which do you think the Lord is more pleased with?
I've asked myself this question and have decided that I want to keep trying despite my faults. I don't want to use them as an excuse to be disobedient to what the Lord has asked me to do. In other areas of my life I have experienced that first way—that is, I've been willfully disobedient at times and have had to repent and it was a lot harder and more painful than when I've tried to be obedient in the first place and later needed to repent when I’ve fallen short. I feel like the Lord has been more quick to forgive me when I've chosen the latter way.
I hope that you will ask yourself this question too when deciding how you want to face this challenge of same-sex attraction and with other areas of your life. And remember, no matter where you currently are on the path of obedience and repentance please know that the Lord is gracious and is always willing to forgive when you turn to Him with a sincere heart and desire to do and be better. It's never too late to take the path of obedience.
Remember Christ said, “Yea, verily I say unto you...Behold, mine arm of mercy is extended towards you, and whosoever will come, him will I receive; and blessed are those who come unto me...And ye shall offer for a sacrifice unto me a broken heart and a contrite spirit. And whoso cometh with a broken heart and a contrite spirit, him I will baptize with fire and with the Holy Ghost...Behold, I have come unto the world to bring redemption unto the world, to save the world from sin. Therefore, whosoever repenteth and cometh unto me as a little child, him I will receive, for of such is the kingdom of God. Behold, for such have I laid down my life, and have taken it up again; therefore repent, and come unto me ye ends of the earth, and be saved (see 3 Nephi 9:14, 20-22).” “Behold, he who has repented of his sins, the same is forgiven, and I, the Lord, remember them no more (See Doctrine & Covenants 58:42
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