Part II: To other members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints who struggle with same-sex attraction, this is the message I wish to share with you

Some time ago I wrote to you about some of the things I've learned that have helped me to see this struggle we have with a more eternal perspective and how it can help you and me come closer to God, our Heavenly Father. I still believe all I shared in that post to be true and hope that it has been useful to you in facing this challenge we share.

However, recently after rereading what I'd written, I’ve begun to worry that because of my lack of eloquence in writing some of you may have misunderstood my words when I spoke of there being two paths to gaining knowledge—one being through repentance and the other through obedience and that in order to take the path of obedience, which is preferred, you would be doing so without repentance because that simply isn’t true and isn't what I meant.

If this is something you may have thought I meant then I hope I can explain things better so you’ll understand my meaning regarding these two paths I spoke of.

Let me begin by saying that most of what I'd read and heard from other members of the church, who deal with same-sex attraction, mentioned leaving the church at some point, even if temporarily, to experiment with the feelings they were having and to see if they would be more happy living a "gay" lifestyle. All of them, as I said in my other post, eventually saw that they weren't happier living that way and chose to return to full-fellowship in the church, but in order to return they had to go through the painful process of repenting of the immoral things they had done while away, so they could have the Spirit to be with them again. This was not easy for them, but they did it because they knew it was necessary.

When I heard about their experiences I could relate to some of what they shared and it touched me. But, it also bothered me that none of the accounts I'd heard mentioned choosing to stay in the church and keeping the covenants they'd made at baptism as their first choice. I found myself wondering, is it possible to handle this challenge and reconcile these feelings I have about other women with what I believe without having to first abandon my faith? I thought, surely, there must be...perhaps I need to share how I've chosen to stay faithful to what I know to be true—first, and have relied on the Lord to help me sort out the rest—because I don't think I am alone in choosing this. I believe there are others out there who have chosen the same thing but haven't said.

I want others like you to know that it is possible to know something is wrong without going and doing it first. You can gain the same knowledge by choosing what you can already discern to be good and then see that it is good through experiencing it and know that because it is the opposite of the other that the other must not be "good" (because everything has its opposite). This is what I mean by choosing the path of obedience—that is, choosing the discernible good (i.e. faith and virtue).

Now, by choosing this path of obedience that doesn't mean that you won't also be needing repentance along the way because you will—simply because you are going to make mistakes. To me there is a big difference in knowingly choosing to sin (going and living an immoral lifestyle, for example) than striving with all your heart to live a chaste and virtuous life but sinning because of a bad decision here and there. As members of the Lord’s church we’ve been taught what is good, so by doing the first (knowingly choosing to sin) shows willful disobedience while the other shows a willingness to always try to be better. Both may lead to repentance but which do you think the Lord is more pleased with?

I've asked myself this question and have decided that I want to keep trying despite my faults. I don't want to use them as an excuse to be disobedient to what the Lord has asked me to do. In other areas of my life I have experienced that first way—that is, I've been willfully disobedient at times and have had to repent and it was a lot harder and more painful than when I've tried to be obedient in the first place and later needed to repent when I’ve fallen short. I feel like the Lord has been more quick to forgive me when I've chosen the latter way.

I hope that you will ask yourself this question too when deciding how you want to face this challenge of same-sex attraction and with other areas of your life. And remember, no matter where you currently are on the path of obedience and repentance please know that the Lord is gracious and is always willing to forgive when you turn to Him with a sincere heart and desire to do and be better. It's never too late to take the path of obedience.

Remember Christ said, “Yea, verily I say unto you...Behold, mine arm of mercy is extended towards you, and whosoever will come, him will I receive; and blessed are those who come unto me...And ye shall offer for a sacrifice unto me a broken heart and a contrite spirit. And whoso cometh with a broken heart and a contrite spirit, him I will baptize with fire and with the Holy Ghost...Behold, I have come unto the world to bring redemption unto the world, to save the world from sin. Therefore, whosoever repenteth and cometh unto me as a little child, him I will receive, for of such is the kingdom of God. Behold, for such have I laid down my life, and have taken it up again; therefore repent, and come unto me ye ends of the earth, and be saved (see 3 Nephi 9:14, 20-22).” “Behold, he who has repented of his sins, the same is forgiven, and I, the Lord, remember them no more (See Doctrine & Covenants 58:42

To other members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints who deal with same-sex attraction, this is the message I wish to share with you

I especially wish to speak to the youth or any of you who are just now realizing that you deal with same-sex attraction. If you're in the process of trying to reconcile it with what you've been taught, or if you're trying to figure out what this attraction means for your life and how it plays into God's eternal plan for you, then this is the message I wish to share with you:

A short time ago I opened up for the first time and shared with others my struggle with same-sex attraction. It's something I've dealt with all my life (I'm now in my thirties), but only recently have I felt like it is something I should talk to others about. In the last few years I've been impressed by other members of the Church who deal with this same challenge who have had the courage to share their stories and their testimonies. In reading their stories, I've been touched by their honesty in telling how they have learned through their experiences that choosing any thing other than following God's plan didn't bring them lasting happiness. Hearing their testimonies has given me the courage to open up and share my own feelings and experiences with you.

I have felt that just as it was important for them to share their journey along the path of repentance (to discover the truth about what will ultimately bring real happiness), you need to know there is another way to gain that knowledge, without having to experience all the heartache and sorrow that comes from repenting—you can gain that knowledge by choosing the path of obedience—by choosing to stay in the Church and being chaste and keeping your covenants. This is the path I've personally chosen to follow in regards to this attraction. 

My experience growing up with this attraction may be a little different from yours, especially if you are currently a teenager, but I hope that something I say may resonate with you and help you in facing this challenge.

Growing up, I knew I had this attraction, but the attitudes towards same-sex attraction/homosexuality were so negative that I couldn't or simply wouldn't allow myself to believe that what I was feeling or dealing with was in fact same-sex attraction. I tried to convince myself that what I was feeling was different. And despite my best efforts to separate myself from the negative attitudes and beliefs that surrounded me,  eventually I came to believe what others said and viewed homosexuality in the same way. This lead me to dealing with my feelings and emotions, which came from having this attraction, in an unhealthy way.

At first, I simply denied the feelings or thoughts were even there. Then when that didn't work, I tried to separate them from myself internally (in my mind) and pretend as though they were mere observations instead of my actual feelings and thoughts. That seemed to work for a while, but over time, the denial and lies I told myself lead me to hating myself a lot. I came to hate myself so much that I started believing I was unlovable and that no one could ever truly love me because of this secret and if they only knew then they would see me as a vile and perverse person unworthy of their love. Because I felt this way about myself, I started self-sabotaging all of my relationships and pushing the people I loved away. Sadly, it took me a really long time to realize what I was doing was wrong. And it's only been in the last five or so years that my perspective has begun to change and I've stopped feeling that way about myself. How and why my perspective changed is what I wish to share with you.

My first step in finding peace with having this attraction and that has helped change my perspective was acknowledging that this attraction actually existed and that it was something I could face head on. It wasn't until I stopped running from facing the truth about myself & what I experience that I was able to see the truth about what same-sex attraction really is, and really—what it has to do with me as a person. 

All of us in the Church have learned the plan of salvation, so we know that its contrary to that plan to have homosexual relationships. I've always believed in God's plan of happiness. After I stopped living in denial I started to wonder why God would allow any of us to have these feelings, which can make it impossible for some of us to have a traditional heterosexual relationship and get married, if He intends for all of His children to follow His plan and receive exaltation. It's been hard at times for me to accept having this attraction while also accepting that God's plan of happiness still applies to me…that He meant it for me just as much as He did for everyone else. The only way I've managed to accept both as being true was by following Elder Uchtdorf's counsel in choosing to doubt my doubts before doubting my faith. It's been through the process of exercising my faith that I've gained a testimony that our Heavenly Father's plan really does still apply to you and me!

I've seen others who have accepted homosexuality as apart of who they are and they believe that's never going to change. Many of them have chosen to walk away from God and His church because they can't reconcile their sexuality with what they know and believe about God's plan. However, unlike those I've just mentioned, I do not believe that same-sex attraction/homosexuality is apart of who we are. And the reason I choose not to believe that is because of one simple but profound truth—I've learned who I am as a child of God.

Learning who I am, and how God sees me, I'd say, is the second thing—but perhaps the most important thing—that has helped change my perspective about this attraction. I never realized just how much damage I'd done to myself emotionally, psychologically, and even spiritually because I was looking to all the wrong sources (other people) to know who I am (which lead to all that self-sabotaging and self-hatred) until the Spirit showed me who I actually am. He showed me how much God loves me and what good I can do if only I'll trust Him and believe in myself. I know that He can do the same for you. There is so much power that comes from learning who you truly are! You'll be amazed at how much your perspective on dealing with this attraction will change once you know that about yourself!

I believe that once you learn who you actually are you'll also see that this struggle is temporary—it's a mortal challenge that is meant to bring you closer to God. It doesn't define you, it's meant to help you grow. 

I can't say exactly why this is the challenge that God has given us to face or why it couldn't be something else, but I will say that, at least for me, I believe I've learned what I'm supposed to get out of dealing with it and what it's meant to be in my life. I believe that it is my "Abrahamic test" that some of the prophets have said all of us will need to experience in order to receive exaltation. I can see that just like Abraham, God is testing my faith to see what I've willing to sacrifice in order to receive all the blessings He has promised. And just like Abraham, I've had to decide what is more important to me. Temporary happiness and pleasure living a gay lifestyle that will eventually end and lead me to spending eternity alone? Or living a chaste and virtuous life that may at times be very lonely but will ultimately lead to the fulfilling promises of eternal life and exaltation? With that perspective in mind, I've chosen the latter. And I keep choosing it each and every day because let's be honest—life isn't easy. I have good and bad days. Sometimes it's easy to be positive and to exercise faith, while at other times, it takes all I have inside to just make it to the next day! That's why it's a continual choice that I must make. 

I've come to see that no matter what we are asked to endure—that in the end, it will all be worth it, if we choose to be faithful. From the Spirit, each and every one of us can gain the knowledge that any and all sacrifices we make will be worth the cost of receiving the blessings of exaltation! Exaltation really is what we came here to earth to ultimately gain. I just hope that as we go through our struggles we don't lose sight of that!

The last thing I wish to share with you that has helped change my perspective is how I've actually come to see and use this struggle of same-sex attraction to hopefully bless those around me.

I don't know how you see this attraction, but I've viewed it as a weakness. And because I see it that way, I've followed the admonition of the Lord found in the scriptures (see Ether 12:27) and have turned to Him to help me make it into a strength. I've spoken more about this in some of my other posts on this blog, so I won't go into any great detail here, but I will say that what I've learned is that we can use these feelings of love to bless the lives of those we find ourselves drawn to. We can love and serve them more than otherwise would be possible.

The Lord has shown me through His Spirit that He has blessed each of us with special spiritual gifts that can help us, with this weakness and any other we may face while here on earth, to do a lot of good and to be a blessing in other people's lives. You may find that those you are drawn to—you can see them more clearly—that you are able to see who they really are because you're paying more attention to them, but also because of the special spiritual gifts God has blessed you with. With this insight you may be able to better help them reach their potential. You may even come to love them and believe in them so much that you'll become a great influence for good in their lives. If you let Him, God can help you use this attraction for good. And if you do, I know that your perspective will change and you'll come to see this attraction for what it really is—a blessing as well as a challenge to help you come closer to God and to become more like Him.

I know that God loves you very much and He wants you to trust Him. Trust that He knows what will ultimately make you happy. Trust that He can help you with this struggle as well as any others you may face. Christ has promised to be by your side and to lead you along, if you'll only let Him. He knows how you feel. He knows how to help you. Please let Him.